My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
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I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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