Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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