Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
