I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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