hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
