I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
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I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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