I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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