is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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