He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
