i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
