i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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