No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
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Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
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You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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