My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Blow job season was short but glorious.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
