Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
