I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
