Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Houston, we have a squirter
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
