dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
