First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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