Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
