He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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