What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
