oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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