There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
