Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
there was a trapeze. enough said
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
