Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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