My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
