By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
