I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You peed on a flamingo?!?
tell me about the fingering
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
