Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
