I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
