his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You pole danced in your parka.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
