How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
