help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
