Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
