tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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