Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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