i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Where are you guys?
Drunk
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
