We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
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