oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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