don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
