I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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