I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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