Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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