she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
