My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
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DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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