im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
