I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
