I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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