She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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