I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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