I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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