my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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