she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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