guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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