EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
