If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
