well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
